a sense of stability

I just realized that when we created this thing, we put a few snippets about ourselves in the side bar. The one thing we put about me, that isn't generic, was "The Stabalizer." Which is totally true in reality, but seems hardly likely if you read all my posts.

In real life, I am not the girl that is here, there, and everywhere. I am not always ranting about what is on my mind. I keep a lot in. I stay pretty quiet. I do what my friends want to do. I don't push people. A lot of times, I don't do what I want. I do what's easiest. I'm a pushover.

I wasn't always this way. I used to be obnoxiously loud and proud of my opinions. I was open and beyond over the top. Now the only time I'm like that is in class. I'm not comfortable enough in other situations to speak up. Not because I doubt what I have to say or I feel it's unimportant, but because I don't want to cause drama. I don't want to start a rift. I don't want to deal with a fall out.

I would rather...do something I'm not really interested in, go along with other people's plans, and if all else fails, go with the flow. Life is easier that way. It's easier to be the one that keeps people's moods in check, than the person that gets people's heart rates pumping. It's easier (and more rewarding) to make people feel better than make them feel worse.

The only problem with this is that I'm never overly excited either. Nothing gets me really going. I'm not interested in anything. It's beyond pathetic really. And I let myself get walked all over. It's a tough life, but somebody's got to do it.

I am the stabalizer. I have owned it. But if I were to choose to escape this life, when I do, on the rare occasion that I do push the envelope, I get raised eyebrows and confused looks. People don't get it. And now I'm too scared to move past this persona, I am past the point in my life when I can redefine and reemerge as a new personality.

It's an okay thing to be I guess. The one who balances out life. The one who can always be counted on and turned to. I enjoy that. Which is good, because that's the who I'll always be.

--Brynn

It's that time again...

I hate Halloween.
I hate people in their stupid costumes.
I hate girls dressed like sluts.
I hate everyone getting trashed.
I hate that it's an excuse.
I hate hate hate it.
Mostly I hate that people are trying to force me to dress up.
Lame.
Rescue me? Please? Please?...But really...SAVE ME!

--Brynn

Family

Today I have thought a lot about my family dynamic.

I have three younger sisters. 18, 16, 14 (Yes we are all exactly two years apart, my parents rock...)
However, in school age, they are a senior, junior, and freshman in high school. Which basically means that while I have been away from home at college for almost 2.5 years, they have re-formed the family and sibling bonds without me.
This was made more than evident over fall break. I still have my place at the table, my mom still puts my clean laundry in the space it's always filled, my room is virtually untouched, I get claim on the front seat without a fight, life goes on as it always had when I was home.
But there are little things, things that bug me, that are different. Like my dad being nicer. What's up with that? Why when I called last night was he all happy and smiley? And I know this is not a phase because he was like this when I was home and my sisters can actually joke around with him. This simply did not happen when I still lived there. He was a big grouch who sat in our living room and shouted at people...ALWAYS. And my sisters. What's up with them all getting along? It's like now that I'm gone, they can all be friends. But they don't want to be friends with me.
This is not the family where I am welcomed home with open arms. I am merely there, to fill my place, complete the puzzle, but it's not as if I was missed. They have gotten used to life without me and I absolutely cannot stand it. I was used to being the favorite sister, the one my mother always turned to, the creative girl who could fix/draw anything...no more. They have found someone else to do this for them and moved on.
We have always been referred to as the [Insert last name here] girls, but I have not heard this in quite some time. We all look alike, we are used to being lumped together, but not anymore. Now my sisters all have some special secret handshake and I'm the leper. Which is made perfectly evident by my not so subtle little sister's statements of: "No I don't miss you, why would I miss you?" and two of them talking about their inside jokes right in front of me and making fun of me when I don't get it.
This whole situation was probably not helped by the fact that I spent a month in Spain this past summer or by the fact that I declared I was not moving home for this coming summer.
I have only one thing on my side: my oldest sister will be heading off to college in the fall, then we'll see how she likes it on the outside, maybe we'll bond after all...

--Brynn

p.s. it's hard for me to imagine my youngest sister living at home, alone, with my parents for two years while the rest of us are in the "real world." I'm glad I got those two years of solitude when I was a baby, because honestly, the lack of attention parents pay when they have 3 other kids to worry about was pretty darn nice!

Some people...

I don't know if anyone actually reads this, but I need to know: Am I the only person who HATES being bossed? It seems to me that some people in my life, who shall remain nameless, derive lots of pleasure from putting me down and telling me that I'm wrong. It also seems that said people cannot accept it if they find out I am right and they are wrong and proceed to fight with me to the ends of the earth until I look up the information and shove my facts in their faces. It's not that I need to be right, I just hate being looked down on for saying something that I KNOW IS RIGHT. Plus, if they find out they were indeed right and I was wrong, while I accept this and move forward, they rub it in my face, look entirely too smug, and generally annoy me further. Grrrr. Life can be so frustrating.
On a positive note...The rain has finally stopped here. Not to say the clouds haven't gone away, but it's nice to look outside and see somewhat dry cement after 48+ hours of continuous drizzle and wind. :)
--Brynn

Top THAT!

Please enjoy this. I find it makes me smile even though I have only finished half of my hellish two-midterm day.

Click here for a bit of happiness: Top That

Kendall The Goblin Queen

I like Brynn's format so I'm borrowing it since I have little to say in the way of a full post:

I am addicted to coffee . . . ADDICTED

I am also becoming addicted to the 90's show "Twin Peaks." Man, that's some good television.

My family is crazy, but I'm beginning to think that dysfunction is more normal than I had previously thought.

I love my sister, despite the fact that she puts me down and has a major temper.

BSG and Buffy will forever and always be may all time favorites.

I'm re-watching the series "Harper's Island," 1. because it's awesome 2. because a boy I like wants to see it.

"Lost," although a show I said I'd never watch, is actually really freaking good. Sawyer is hot.

Sometimes I get so stressed out that I want to scream, or just sleep for a really really long time.

Being a geek is cool. Deal with it.

If Seth Cohen were a real person, we'd be married. Kendall Cohen--I like it.

I love my friends, even if we all bitch too much and are very weird, we balance one another out.

Jareth The Goblin King is hot. Always will be. Always has been. Weird? Yep.

I'm scared of spiders, but this one spider has been on my vaulted ceiling for a few days and instead of getting freaked out I've tried to pretend that it's my friend so that I don't get scared every time I see it. I also do this with horror movie villains, like "Jigsaw" in the Saw movies. He's my bro.

That's it for now.

Peace Out Homies-

Kendall on the Dark Side

I am addicted to Oreo cookies [double stuff mostly]

I have a hard time letting things/people go.

I have a tendency to walk through rain, no matter the temperature, barefoot.

I am a perfectionist.

I am also a procrastinator.

I never seem to do things right the first time.

I forget that my decisions affect other people.

I am pretty....even though my hair is never perfect and my makeup is never done right.

I might be becoming an insomniac.

T.V. shows will be my down fall.

This is the hardest semester of college yet.

I'm scared I'm going to disappoint myself if I don't start working harder.

I'm not sure I really care anymore.

I think I want to be an elementary school guidance counselor.

I know my parents would not approve of this [not making enough money].

I am obsessed with painting my nails.

I hate unpacking/birds/hanging up laundry.

I am a geek who likes comic books and BSG.

I buy new clothes way too often.

I want to please everyone and sometimes forgo my own wants.

I'm trying to get over that.

--Brynn

Update

A casual dinner conversation:

Me: "Wow, I don't think I've eaten meat for almost 3 months"

My sister: "I want to go to college."

My mother and I just about died laughing. The most hilarious part, she's dead serious. This is the girl who chewed up an entire steak as a child and continually spit it into her napkin until the end of the meal. She's so crafty that she then scampered off to our kitchen bathroom to get rid of the evidence. My dad made her take it out of the trash and eat some of it. The ultimate punishment.

The weirdest thing about this entire conversation is I think she might be right. After eating a giant cheesy chicken breast, my favorite kind of meat and the only kind I really enjoy eating, I feel sick. My no meat diet might be healthiest for me. Pasta and fruit it is.

--Brynn

Fall Break

I have been home for almost 24 hours.
So far I have:

Eaten at my all time favorite Mexican food restaurant.

Played at least an hours worth of ball with my puppy...
Received several sloppy kisses from my puppy.
"Accidentally" fed my puppy strawberry bites and some ice cream.

Eaten chili. Am about to eat yummy chicken and vegetable casserole stuff.

Have gotten some pictures printed off.

Found and purchased BROWN NAIL POLISH!

Sat in front of my family's new giant t.v. and watched DVRed Amazing Race.
(Have I mentioned I'm addicted to t.v.? I need to catch up on Dancing with the Stars online and Glee. Plus Rorie and I are planning on watching the last 5 episodes of Buffy this weekend. Yikes!)

Just won a fight with my father over the nice new giant t.v.

Slept in my comfy bed.

Fought with my sisters. :)

Added a few sentences to my Spanish paper.

Went to Wal-Mart.

Read a magazine.

I love fall break. I love being home. My mom and I are going to watch 17 Again tonight, I love me some Zac Efron. All the things I love in one place at one time. Life is wonderful. Oh, and I didn't have to drive back on the ride home. A MAJOR plus in my book. Rorie is such a wonderful person that she even let me sleep.

Also, I am dead set on getting that boy back into my life. I have formulated a plan that will be put back into action as soon as this break is over. Cross your fingers for me. I really want this to work out. I think I'll be much happier, regardless, if I just say something. But it would be wonderful if he wants to be a part of my life too.

Rorie doesn't like him very much, none of my friends do. They just don't trust him because he has pushed me out of his life before. It's fair. But she told me yesterday that she would start talking to him again if I wanted. What a good friend! Concerned with my happiness and what not. She dyed her hair dark dark dark today. Strange, cause the past few years she has been dirty blond with light blond high lights and I can't wait to see it.

Kendall did not come home, unfortunately for the rest of us. BOO!

I hope you are having a good fall break world. I know I sure am! Wish all my homework was done thought, so my laziness could be complete.

--Brynn

Surprises around every corner . . . but nothing dangerous

So, things have been just strange lately, and as I read some of Brynn's posts I'm starting to wonder if it's the weather here in Middle-Earth. I mean, I'm a fan of snow when I have no where to go, but the second week of October?! That's absolutely ridiculous . . . plus, I'm starting to realize that my usual summer activity of wakeboarding didn't happen once this summer. Bring back the warm weather . . . or, at the very least let FALL go on a bit longer. It's by far my favorite season and yes, cheesy, but the trees look so amazing. The smell makes me feel calm and excited to enjoy the outdoors. Then. Snow. It melted soon after it fell but I have a bad feeling it's an omen of a horrible winter. Let's keep our fingers crossed, eh?

I'm looking through some of my ex-boyfriend's photos on Facebook the other day and I'm starting to realize that life takes unexpected paths. Let me first set this up: We dated only for a month and I ended it because I just wasn't into a serious relationship at that time in my life. He didn't seem to be driven and was living on the idea that he'd make it one day, even though he was living in his parent's basement doing nothing with his afternoons. Yeah, stupid. He's now playing an instrument in the band of one of Disney's major teen sensations and the other day I scrolled across a picture on his page of him on a flight with her and her friends (The Jonas Brotherss!!) back into the United States. People can surprise you.

I always assumed I'd be living a life like that one. Doing something different, something that made a difference in a creative way. I'm starting to realize that my new career avenue will do those sorts of things, but not in the way I had originally planned. Good move? Bad move?

On a different note, I'm auditioning in two hours for a show. Pretty excited about it/nervous. I guess that's normal when one decides to audition last minute and has to get an old Shakespeare piece up in time. Needless to say, working on this Shakespearean piece has made me remember how much I love the language.

It's hell week in Middle-Earth. I'm not talking about ringwraiths either, I'm talking about midterms. Yuckness. Luckily, the majority of my work for the week is done aside from some reading that I soooo intend on only doing if it works its way into my schedule. For now, I'm going to sit on my couch, look out the window, breathe deeply to calm the nerves/anxiety/and excitement of my upcoming audition . . . and listen to some Jo Bro.

Of these things I know:
1. I LOVE THE FALL
2. Good friends are hard to come by, and when you find them you should hold onto them.
3. There really is a thing as TOO MUCH coffee.
4. Washing your hands to prevent the Wilber Flu will no doubt make your skin dry in cold weather.
5. Carry around lotion and sanitizer to prevent number 4.
6. I don't know if A soulmate exists for everyone, but I think soulmates come into your life . . . whether they be girls or boys, friends or lovers, family or acquaintances that can make a huge impact on your life.
7. Sometimes it's okay to cry to yourself for no reason.
8. A good meal can make things so much better.
9. Be proud of yourself, even if it is something as small as unloading the dishwasher.
10. Never underestimate the dreams, hopes, or aspirations of anyone! Today it may be your parent's basement, but tomorrow it could be being a band for a Disney sensation and hanging with the Jonas Brothers.

The Readiness Is All-

Kendall on the Dark Side

FACTS

My last few posts have been mostly questions.
This is because (a) I don't know what I want, (b) I don't know what to do, because I don't know what I want, (c) I don't know why my mind changes so frequently, and (d) I don't know how to make myself happy these days, because my mind is always changing and I don't know what I want.

So I've decided to make a list of things I do understand:

-I want brown nail polish. Legitimate, dark chocolate, not sparkly, not glossy, brown nail polish.

-I need a new coat. One that is professional enough to wear to work and warm! My pea coat just isn't doing it for me. I'm freezing and it's only October.

-I should be writing a Spanish narrative essay right now.

-I should also be studying for the two tests I have tomorrow.

-Or at least be napping.

-I'm happy I did not have to go to work today [not because I hate my job, I absolutely love it] because I have so much to do and I would have had no time to do it in. Now I have enough time plus procrastination time.

-Boys are stupid.

-I am so overly excited and beyond ready for fall break this weekend. I cannot wait to go home, be fed, and lay around for 5 whole days.

-I need a pet. Unfortunately, the only "pets" we are allowed to have here live in water boxes and cannot be petted. Therefore they are not pets.... I need fur and am soon going to force someone I know to get some sort of living creature that I can love and nurture for them but they can house.

-Texting causes problems.

-Studying not in my room, and especially not on my bed, is much more efficient. I went to my favorite coffee house last night and man was that a good idea!

-I like it when people remember my name and recognize that they know me [this makes me uncontrollably happy and maybe that's silly, but it's not my fault that I remember almost everyone's names and faces, can't some people remember mine?].

-As foreign as spontaneity is, I love it. I should embrace it more often.

-My sisters are evil, that being said, I want to spend the entirety of fall break with them.

-I need to make a photo album of all of my pictures from Spain.

-I need to print off pictures to put up in my room so that I am no longer looking at the random people whose pictures came in the frames.

-I need to vacuum.

-I also need to watch Dancing with the Stars.

-I hate the cold, but I would love to go skiing right now.

That's a pretty good list. Makes me feel like I do have some control over my life, because even with all of that knowledge, I also know that I will only do what I have to do today. And I will probably take a nap. And I will still puzzle over things that are out of my control. But at least I can know that not everything, that I want or that I need to do, is a mystery.

--Brynn

words aren't enough.

"Sometimes there's nothing to say. Sometimes silence expresses more than words. Picking up the phone, dialing a number, it can do more damage than good. But humans are afflicted with the obsessive desire to talk things to death. So we make things worse by trying to make things better."

Why does this have to be true? And why do I find myself doing it time and time again? And why won't he just text me? And why am I going out on a strange psuedo date tonight even though I'm not sure I want to? Is it just so I can tell him I did? Am I that twisted? Am I that emotionally involved that all I really want right now is to do anything and everything in my power that could ever possibly affect him? Do I really need his attention that badly?

I know I can survive without him. Without talking to him, without thinking of him. I've done it. I'm just not sure how much I like that life compared to when we are getting along.

Is it sad that I'm thinking these things and nothing has happened between us? Is it sad that thinking about this makes my stomach hurt? Why do we keep having relationship talks if we are never going to be in a relationship? Why does he expect me to make the first move when he's in a bad place and I am not? Was it wrong to try and respect his strange boundaries even though it wasn't what I wanted? Should I have pushed even though neither of us knew how he would of reacted? Should I have given up so easily?

Should I still be giving up now?

--Brynn

I'm having a selfish moment.
Do you ever get that sick feeling of "that should have been me?"
I was just spying on some people, noticed that a guy a went on one date with last year is now in a relationship and in "love."
Don't get me wrong, he deserves it. He's a very nice, socially awkward, highly sarcastic [love it], wonderful person, but not someone I was in any way attracted to. However, he's funny and observant. And happened to be my neighbor last year. Meaning I saw him lots, even though I wasn't interested in being anything more than friends. And I began to feel this weird ownership over him. So not like me. And as soon as I saw his relationship status tonight and stalked his internet conversations I felt sick. Almost like something had happened behind my back.
Why didn't things work out between the two of us? Why I couldn't I feel that spark? Why wasn't he saying those nice things to me? And more importantly when did he stop having a crush on me?
Now I know this is a grocery list of unfair and awful rants, but I just can't help myself. It's not something I purposely try for. It just is. Does that mean my core self is selfish? I hope not...
I'm just sick of waiting for the right guy to stumble into my life at the right time for me and the right time for him.
Don't get me wrong, I don't regret trying to make things work with a guy when I knew I wasn't interested, but it still makes me sad that I haven't found that right person. I really do wish them all the best. Even if I am a tad bit jealous.

--Brynn

[[this cartoon made me giggle, perhaps he has worse timing than I do]]

The joke's on me...even in my dreams.

A few nights ago, I had a very strange dream...which was more like a nightmare.

Rorie and I were living in a house with a few other people. Suddenly, our door was thrown open and a built, bulky, scary man, with a gun, barged inside. He started shooting at our friends. Helpless, Rorie and I ran into a closet with a thick metal door [very much like a door that we have in our current apartment] holding only a knife to defend ourselves. We could hear bullets pinging off of the door, but we were doing everything to keep it shut. The man began pushing on the door, with each shove he made more and more head way. At some point amidst this struggle the knife Rorie was holding went into her leg, making it impossible for her to run away. Eventually he pushed the door open far enough to reach in and pull Rorie out. Rorie shouted at me to try and get help, but mostly to get out of the house and save myself.

Which I did, running quickly across the street where I frantically tried to rip open the neighbors door. Unfortunately it was locked, but it was just a glass door and I could see our neighbors [and all their kids] sitting inside watching a movie. Wild eyed, I pounded against the glass screaming, leaving bloody marks, and fogging over the window. They FINALLY let me in, after loudly debating the situation. When I told them I needed to use their phone, it was an emergency, the youngest boy stated proudly that he had thrown it into the front yard earlier that day. While his parents proceeded to freak out on him, one of the girls handed me their cell phone [mine was conveniently non-existent]. I immediately called 911 only to be laughed at and told it was too late and that nothing could be done for me. I begged and pleaded with the woman on the other line, explaining that my friends' lives were in danger, but still got nothing.

I was then ushered outside, in full blown panic attack, heart racing, sweat pouring down my face, mode. And what do I see? Rorie, my other roommates, and the friends that had been in our house standing covered in fake blood, pointing and laughing at me. Turns out Rorie's brother had set me up. He was making a horror movie but they didn't let me in on that little secret because had I known, I wouldn't have been a good enough actress.

I woke up in a cold sweat, my heart racing, feeling like I was about ready to die. So not funny.

--Brynn

I didn't ask for Romeo and Juliet . . .

Growing up in a "smaller" town, it wasn't uncustomary for an individual to stop by the house without calling first. A great deal of the time the visitors were asking for money, wanting to spread some religious information, or little children asking if they could play with our dogs. The point is, in a place like Middle-Earth, those types of "drop-ins" weren't really a big deal. Having moved to the star city of Middle-Earth, things are a bit different. Now, my idea of a home is that it's safe . . . it's your own, and you as the owner/renter, reserve the right to shut yourself away from the world. Apparently I'm wrong.

Alright, so I'm a little OCD when it comes to my apartment, but I welcome my friends coming over, especially when we need a little space to watch movies, drink tea and coffee, and escape. I love my apartment . . . it's small, but decorated with every aspect of my personality. The point is . . . it's MY space, and if I invite people into it then that's saying a lot. I've never been one to host a group of friends, mainly because of the size, but instead I've had a few friends stop over for smaller gatherings. Needless to say, inviting someone over means I trust them and I want them in my space, because my living area is extremely personal to me. It's an escape.

So, to the point of the story. Lately I've been talking to a guy who randomly stops over. Now, the first time I didn't mind as much because I was studying for a test and he brought me food. I suppose one could consider this to be a nice gesture . . . even though I had made it very clear that I was shutting myself away to concentrate on this test. The other few times have been to say hello . . . still, once I have already stated that I was busy, running around the house to get ready and leave etc. It's a bit much but I let it slide because sometimes I wonder if I'm just being overly analytical about the whole situation.

THEN, there was yesterday. I spent a good eight hours with my friends at their home. It was a day of doing absolutely nothing and it was amazing. This guy calls me later that evening and I let him know that I'll more than likely be spending the rest of my evening with my friends but that I would let him know. So . . . when I head home much later that evening/morning, I let him know that I'm just going to go home and turn in and I'll see him tomorrow. Goodnight, see ya later, bye bye, sweet dreams, catch ya on the flip side.

No . . . I'm washing my face, playing my radio (a little too loudly for the time of night/morning), when my cellphone rings. It's him. I want to go to bed so I ignore the call, thinking to myself "Whoa, what if he's here." He calls again. And again. He leaves a voicemail. He texts me. "Open your front door." I'm tired and I'm irritated by the fact that I have just recently told him that I was exhausted and going to bed. Also, I had earlier said that I didn't want to hang out at my place . . . and that I just wanted to be with my friends and go home and crash. I'm irritated, but I shut off my bathroom light and radio, hoping he'll think I'm asleep and leave. NO. He proceeds to climb the balconies up to mine. The third story. I pay extra for living higher up for a reason . . . safety! Well, I'm happy to know that someone can get up here if needed. I hear a knock at the sliding glass door. "Kendall, I know you're home. Let me in." I just sit on the bathroom floor in shock. I think about calling my friend Derek to come over, as I had just left his home and he lives close by . . . but I'm afraid he'll be able to hear me talk on the phone. I turn my phone on silent and eventually text him back and say. "My sister is staying there tonight with her boyfriend. Derek followed me home and took me back to their house." I can hear from the bathroom "Oh, shit." Texting followed, he eventually got back down and I told him my phone was going to die so that I could just avoid the situation.

And since waking up . . . I have received three phone calls, a voicemail and a slough of texts. I answered as I was writing this. I mean, he's a great guy, he brought me flowers, just wanted to see me blah blah blah. But my space is MY space. I definitely canceled the dinner plans set in place. I have no idea what to make of this situation. One could see it as romantic. "Kendall, he brought you flowers and wanted to present them to you." No, that's not okay . . . that's an invasion of privacy no matter the intentions. What the heck . . . what the heck! I have no idea what to do here. Part of me really enjoys the time I spend with this guy, though a relationship was never something I wanted out of the situation. Now, I think he's way more into this than I am and I'm not sure, even after the apologies, that I can deal. I don't think I should feel guilt for protecting myself in an awkward situation, but I do. Ugh, confusing times.

Peace Out-

Kendall on the Dark Side