a sense of stability

I just realized that when we created this thing, we put a few snippets about ourselves in the side bar. The one thing we put about me, that isn't generic, was "The Stabalizer." Which is totally true in reality, but seems hardly likely if you read all my posts.

In real life, I am not the girl that is here, there, and everywhere. I am not always ranting about what is on my mind. I keep a lot in. I stay pretty quiet. I do what my friends want to do. I don't push people. A lot of times, I don't do what I want. I do what's easiest. I'm a pushover.

I wasn't always this way. I used to be obnoxiously loud and proud of my opinions. I was open and beyond over the top. Now the only time I'm like that is in class. I'm not comfortable enough in other situations to speak up. Not because I doubt what I have to say or I feel it's unimportant, but because I don't want to cause drama. I don't want to start a rift. I don't want to deal with a fall out.

I would rather...do something I'm not really interested in, go along with other people's plans, and if all else fails, go with the flow. Life is easier that way. It's easier to be the one that keeps people's moods in check, than the person that gets people's heart rates pumping. It's easier (and more rewarding) to make people feel better than make them feel worse.

The only problem with this is that I'm never overly excited either. Nothing gets me really going. I'm not interested in anything. It's beyond pathetic really. And I let myself get walked all over. It's a tough life, but somebody's got to do it.

I am the stabalizer. I have owned it. But if I were to choose to escape this life, when I do, on the rare occasion that I do push the envelope, I get raised eyebrows and confused looks. People don't get it. And now I'm too scared to move past this persona, I am past the point in my life when I can redefine and reemerge as a new personality.

It's an okay thing to be I guess. The one who balances out life. The one who can always be counted on and turned to. I enjoy that. Which is good, because that's the who I'll always be.

--Brynn